excruciating

(and astouding)

Writing Almost a Mother was excruciating.

Reliving the moments, focusing in on the details, attempting to show my love but also teach without sounding like I’m preaching, it was all … excruciating.

My voice shook every time I had to read it aloud — whether that was while I was workshopping it or after it was published, or even when I was the keynote speaker. I always felt like an engine that has sat too long — it would get going again, but it might take a few tries.

When it first came out, and I had this long list of events, it took everything out of me. I would describe myself as depleted. I was giving it my everything, and although I was getting things back, I was running on empty.

It is wild to me that this book just turned EIGHT years old, and even wilder that Sophie and Aiden would be turning 17 on Monday.

But, here’s the thing that is the most wild.

Long ago, when I wrote this book, all I ever wanted was to find a way to make my motherhood tangible. I wanted my babies to exist some way, anyway, beyond just me. Beyond just my thoughts and memory.

My dream was for the people who love me to read the book and attempt to understand, and for people who don’t know me, but know the pain of losing a baby, to read and know they are not alone.

***

I don’t know if I can even explain to you what happened to me tonight, but I’m going to try.

A very dear friend of mine, whom I’ve known for more than 20 years, invited me to a local establishment hosting an “Adult Storytelling” Night.

The theme? Favorite Authors.

Reader, my friend chose ME as her favorite author.

And she read words from my books. From this Substack.

And I have never experienced anything like that. Ever.

The love. The understanding. The way she put emphasis on the words that I would have. The way I could hear her love for me through those words.

It was astounding.

She spoke Sophie and Aiden’s names and asked everyone to think of them on their birthday.

I am the luckiest. The way I’m loved is beyond belief. The way Sophie and Aiden are loved is more than I could ever ask for.

I love you, Sophie and Aiden. I miss you. You are so missed.

Thank you, Lisa. Your heart! Your heart.